I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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