I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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