Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Less talking, more tequila
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
