You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
