pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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