I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
stop calling my apartment porn island.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My breasts were aching with rage.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
