I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
