I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
