youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
