My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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