You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
