I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
