So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
