Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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