Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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