That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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