Swine flu is the new snow day.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We need to get me chipped asap
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
