How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
