I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
