It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
