he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
