The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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