just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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