Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
