so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
