OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
