i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
