Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
