I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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