His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
