you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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