if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
