Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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