sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I want her autograph on my taint
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
