i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
