dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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