i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
