After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
