but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I want her autograph on my taint
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
