I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
