My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I did not marry a roomba.
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