He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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