There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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