either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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