I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
