Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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