i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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