Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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