so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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