Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
